All the Single Ladies...

Boys, I know what they like, that's not the problem...


Me - I haven't baked cookies (had sex) in like 3 months.
Friend - (pours more Asti) What? That's Bizonkers!
Me - Ya I know thanks for rubbing it in
Friend - But you always have lots of fishies (boys)?
Me - Ya but I'm selective, then there's the 3 month rule, I've got a bunch of newbies that haven't been in the oven yet, ex-boyfriends, and a couple of drifters...
Friend - What about the chef guy?
Me - I've known him for over 3 months, but he's too melancholy, I'm afraid he might cry or something when I leave.
Friend - brother... What about the CEO Surfer?
Me - Ya known him long enough too; but, he has the personality of plywood.
Friend - Maybe you should just put something in his mouth
Me - I can't even get that far, hot bod though
Friend - What about recycling an old boyfriend?
Me - Oh hell to the naw. All of 'em are too emo
Friend - Jesus. Sounds like you just need to be nicer. What about the money guy?
Me - The financier?
Friend - Ya what about him??? He was good right?
Me - Ya but he's a settler, I'll be stuck over there all weekend, and he'll call me everyday for like a month, I don't have time for all of that. Plus, he was a butt guy.
Friend - What's wrong with that? You have a great ass!
Me - (pours more Asti) Ya well, I don't like butt guys, they go back there (points over shoulder).. I - I can't see what they're doing, I feel like he's rubbing really big circles, makes me feel fat, does nothing for me.


Friend - Well just tell him to kiss it
Me - Ya he did, I didn't like it, creeped me out
Friend - What about The Detective??? Oooo yea, he can handcuff you
Me - No way he's too conservative. He tries to rally some coolness when he's around me, says "rockstar" like every 5 seconds. He's never been in the oven anyways.
Friend - He was your "boyfriend" and never got to open the oven?
Me - By his own definition he was my boyfriend...
Friend - What about the District Attorney?
Me - Dude! I didn't tell you?? I ran into him in Trader Joe's he looked all domesticated, has an older girlfriend now...
Friend - Oh I got it!! What about the CAA agent?
Me - Awww he's so pretty... And he's a boob guy
Friend - Awwww yea!
Me - idk though that could take weeks, his assistant has to pencil me in, it's a process.
Friend - The Shrink?
Me - I want to get laid not analyzed and guilt tripped...
Friend - Well then what you got?
Me - I gots nothing (reaches for the bottle of Asti)
Friend - We're out...