Girl Talk -- Post Walk of Shame

ME: Haaaaay! Heard ya come in THIS morning. How'd it go?

ROOMMATE: Mmmmm it's not what you think.

ME: Uhhh I'm confused, ya look all tousled and you came home at 7:00 am.

ROOMMATE: Things often are not as they appear my dear.

ME: (plopping down on her bed and stretching out) shit... what happened?

ROOMMATE: Well, we went to dinner, then he took me to a cupcake shop, he had to run actually to their door, they were about to close it was really romantic (sighs)

ME: K; but, then what happened?

ROOMMATE: We got back to his place, had some wine, things were cool.

ME: Ya and?

ROOMMATE: Well, we finally did it.

ME: K, I feel like this is worse than just a "he was horrible" type problem....

ROOMMATE: Yea it is.

ME: You're killing me!!!

ROOMMATE: I had to spoon him after sex.

ME: Huh?

ROOMMATE: He went to the bathroom to throw away the condom and I was lying in his bed on my side...

ME: K

ROOMMATE: He got into the bed on his side and backed into me in the fetal position.

ME: So YOU spooned him after sex

ROOMMATE: Uh huh

ME: OMG

ROOMMATE: I know... I think I'm going to throw up

ME: You should and then you text message him and tell him you want to date someone who wants a girlfriend not a Mommy.

ROOMMATE: You're so mean...

ME: Well, do you want a 38 year old son? Doesn't even make any sense, you're 26, he's disgusting, get rid of him.

looks like hieroglyphics....

new bffs (Amber Rose and Beyonce, I'm sure they don't have the below problem)

Friend: How's you new boy?
Me: He's yummy, he's awesome, why what's wrong with yours?
Friend: How'd you know something was wrong with my boy?
Me: Hoe instincts... what's the deal?
Friend: his text messages look like hieroglyphics...
Me: Wha????
Friend: He doesn't know how to use the spacebar
Me: On no, un unh, that's not okay
Friend: I know Cracky, what do I do?
Me: Ummm, teach him how to USE the spacebar
Friend: It's too early in the game to start fixing things...
Me: Fine than read hieroglyphics
Friend: I will
Me: No you won't. You're going to dump him (laughs out loud)
Friend: (chuckles) Ya... I'll send him a text bwahahahahahaha. How'd you know?
Me: Hoe instincts (winks)

Why Do You Have to Make Things So Complicated?

Friend - Cracky, where's your bra?
Me - It's - It's here it's strapless (pulls on tube top) see!
Friend - Absolutely not, go change
Me - Whateva, Whateva I do what I want
Friend - Go change
Me - Uh. You're not my Dad you're my friend, more like my brother and we're the same age, sooo it's not even like you're older and wiser.
Friend - Don't talk in circles go change
Me - (starts walking up stairs) You're apathetic........

All the Single Ladies...

Boys, I know what they like, that's not the problem...


Me - I haven't baked cookies (had sex) in like 3 months.
Friend - (pours more Asti) What? That's Bizonkers!
Me - Ya I know thanks for rubbing it in
Friend - But you always have lots of fishies (boys)?
Me - Ya but I'm selective, then there's the 3 month rule, I've got a bunch of newbies that haven't been in the oven yet, ex-boyfriends, and a couple of drifters...
Friend - What about the chef guy?
Me - I've known him for over 3 months, but he's too melancholy, I'm afraid he might cry or something when I leave.
Friend - brother... What about the CEO Surfer?
Me - Ya known him long enough too; but, he has the personality of plywood.
Friend - Maybe you should just put something in his mouth
Me - I can't even get that far, hot bod though
Friend - What about recycling an old boyfriend?
Me - Oh hell to the naw. All of 'em are too emo
Friend - Jesus. Sounds like you just need to be nicer. What about the money guy?
Me - The financier?
Friend - Ya what about him??? He was good right?
Me - Ya but he's a settler, I'll be stuck over there all weekend, and he'll call me everyday for like a month, I don't have time for all of that. Plus, he was a butt guy.
Friend - What's wrong with that? You have a great ass!
Me - (pours more Asti) Ya well, I don't like butt guys, they go back there (points over shoulder).. I - I can't see what they're doing, I feel like he's rubbing really big circles, makes me feel fat, does nothing for me.


Friend - Well just tell him to kiss it
Me - Ya he did, I didn't like it, creeped me out
Friend - What about The Detective??? Oooo yea, he can handcuff you
Me - No way he's too conservative. He tries to rally some coolness when he's around me, says "rockstar" like every 5 seconds. He's never been in the oven anyways.
Friend - He was your "boyfriend" and never got to open the oven?
Me - By his own definition he was my boyfriend...
Friend - What about the District Attorney?
Me - Dude! I didn't tell you?? I ran into him in Trader Joe's he looked all domesticated, has an older girlfriend now...
Friend - Oh I got it!! What about the CAA agent?
Me - Awww he's so pretty... And he's a boob guy
Friend - Awwww yea!
Me - idk though that could take weeks, his assistant has to pencil me in, it's a process.
Friend - The Shrink?
Me - I want to get laid not analyzed and guilt tripped...
Friend - Well then what you got?
Me - I gots nothing (reaches for the bottle of Asti)
Friend - We're out...

I Still Don't Have a Reason, and You Don't Have the Time

Preface: Just because I'm unemployed doesn't mean I don't have things to do!



Me - Hello?
Friend - Cracky, what are you doing?
Me - Why'd you call me on the bat phone?
Friend - You didn't answer your cell, you don't work, so I figured you were home
Me - Oh yea, my hands were full, I'm arranging flowers, you gotta change the water every three days



Friend - Wha??
Me - Ya I have a thing for white boys (shakes head) I mean white oriental lillies, lately. Did you know if you pull the little pollen things of as soon as they open they just come right off without making a mess?
Friend - Uhh no, I didn't. Listen! What are you doing...
Me - Uh hold on gettin a text msg



Beat...

Me - umm ok
Friend - Who was that?
Me - Jesus text
Friend - What the hell is that noise in the background?
Me - Dogs... and Derek and the Dominoes
Friend - Wha??
Me - I just got back from a walk on the beach, didn't feel like seeing Mastectomy scars this morning
Friend - Wha??
Me - I workout at the YMCA duh...
Friend - OMG
Me - Sunday is Father's Day
Friend - Ya, what are you doing?
Me - Fornicating. Hopefully...
Friend - Uhh k.
Me - You wanna go have Bellinis
Friend - Ya, k. Listen!
Me - I am
Friend - Are you drunk?
Me - No... I told you, I went for a walk on the beach, dropped some stuff off at Goodwill, got some Iced Coffee at Peet's and I'm arranging flowers and hand washing some laundry before my laser hair removal appointment.
Friend - Hand washing? It's only 11
Me - I know what time it is. You have to hand wash Kain Label shirts. Remember that sample sale? I bought seven of them...
Friend - Laser hair...
Me - Ya what did you want? I have a conference call soon, and I want to make veggie juice before that


Friend - I'm so confused
Me - Well, get your life together
Friend - Crap my boss is coming, I'll ask ya later
Me - Bye Crispy

Just breathe... in the scent of Lavender

The Meaning of the band THE BLACK KEYS Name

So anyone that knows me, has at least heard me mention how much I have come to love The Black Keys in the past 1.5 years...

There name comes from this guy that was a friend to both of their families back in Akron, OH. He was an amazing artist AND Schizophrenic (my favorite type of a person) and he used to leave these ranting message asking for random things. At the end he would always say "And if you don't do it, you're a Black Key."

I think that's awesome, but courtesy of my friend Lauren, I call people "Crispy Nuggets", so I'm going to leave messages something along the lines of this.

"Hey Jessica, it's Nik, it's about 3:15 pm on Friday... Wondering what you and that kid are up to. Oh and if you don't bring me a hot man, a 1999 Nissan Maxima with no tint, a 5th of Belvedere and a grapefruit, by 4:04 pm you're a Crispy Nugget."