Heartbroken, In Disrepair

WHAT A CLOSER LOOKS LIKE

I've never been that way.... I've never been so heartbroken that I thought there was no way out. And this is why I'm often the person that my girlfriends call when their fishy (boy, man whatever semantics...) is misbehaving. I've been asked to compile my rules in one place. Why? Because I'm a closer (facebook me for the details). That's right I have a talent for sealing the deal. It's partly genetic (thanks Bebe) and part learned behavior.

Ladies (and fellas who want to act like they have some sense) PAY ATTENTION.

First and foremost.... Keep three fishys at a time. You can only sleep with one of them at a time, the one you sleep with is your main fishy, the other two are stragglers (and referred to to as such from here on out)... You only let the stragglers go when the main fishy has asked to be your man (and yes, he has to explicitly ask)


MY MAIN FISHY -- DAN AUERBACH

Why are they stragglers? Because they can only act right about 25% of the time, I'm gonna need YOU to do some basic math...

The main fishy is a good guy but isn't fully ready to get his life together... He's combative. But hey if he starts effing up and one of the stragglers is stepping up, you can definitely switch em out. But be forewarned the main fishy will kick up dust if he's worth anything at all.


Why may I only have 3 fishys? Because Hoe, it just gets too confusing when you have more than three. TRUST. You can only have so many designated sounds goin off on the blackberry. You're going to get confused, there's too many messages to respond to, someone is going to get the wrong one, you're going to get someone's details mixed up, and uhhh hello you'll run into another fishy for sure, it's just too much.


STRAGGLER #1 - ANDRE 3000

Why do I have to have designated sounds? When you're with one of them, you need to know who's contacting you without looking at the phone. And you need your beauty rest, all three of these fools should not be able to wake you up, only the main fishy. Don't start BBMing with all the fishys, only email or sms text for the stragglers, instant access is reserved for the main fishy (remember he's puttin in work... 50%). If you're using Outlook on the BB you can create a profile and know when he's emailing you, otherwise keep to sms text and you can create profiles for each fishy, with different indicators... If you need help programming your blackberry hit me up, I'm technically savvy.

STRAGGLER #2 - BENJAMIN BRATT

What if they all ask me out on Friday or Saturday night? They won't TRUST. The stragglers are gonna hang with their boys or some hoochie on a Friday or Saturday night. They'll hit you up for a late lunch on Saturday or Sunday, or some random night during the week... And that's totally fine, that's why they're stragglers... Use it to your advantage.

Example: You went out with the main fishy Saturday night, dinner, drinks, sex until about 5:00 am, left at 7:00 (I'll get to that in a second), you go home and sleep it off till about 2:00 (with your phone on quiet), when you wake up you see a message from a straggler. He wants to go to lunch, call him back. Tell him you'll only go to lunch if he goes to the gym with you for a bit of cardio first... He'll be amusing and will be able to smell the Belvedere fumes you're given off on the elliptical. Good for him. He needs to step it up and take you out on a Saturday night...
Why shouldn't I spend the whole day with the main fishy? The fishy acts right 50% of the time... He checks in pretty much everyday, you generally see him once a week, on a Friday or Saturday night, maybe one night during the week. He's puttin it down in the bedroom. BUT he's still kinda cryptic. Disappears on the weekends sometimes, you catch him in a lie every now and again, he has un-merited saucy ish to say... You catch my drift.

So no. If you guys go out Saturday night, high tail it out of there by 8:00 am MAX the next morning. No. I will not have breakfast and go run errands with you... Me being cute, kinda naughty, and pushing your basket in crowded ass Target is reserved for a fishy that can act right at least 75% of the time...

Does the Main Fishy get special treatment? Ya, he does... He gets half of a gold star, and he's sleeping with you, that's pretty damn special. But basically with the Main Fishy you're a peach, soft on the outside, but there's a vicious pit or core, so he better watch the way he's bitin in to you. Be sweet, but stand your ground.


How do I discipline these fishys, they're unruly as F**K? Give him the face pictured above and put em on ice. Don't argue it's dumb, say your piece and let it go. No one likes someone that constantly complains but doesn't do anything about the problem and it's not attractive to fuss constantly or not let things go.

So if a fishy says or does something you don't like, let him know what's up then put him on ice. By putting him on ice I mean respond to his messages with very little info, 1-4 words answers, don't let him know what's goin on in your world. He'll catch your drift and will get his act together quickly if he's worth anything... Expect him to take you to your favorite place and a hot make out session....

All right babes... I think that's enough for now. Next lesson? Watch this space it's going to be a good one... It's my definition of a good fishy (or at least good on paper)